Compiled by Ian Grant from Arsenal-related reports in this week's media. Reports for other weeks are also available.
If you hear of any Arsenal "news" ranging from Gooner gossip and snippets from local papers/ radio stations to Arsenal related stories outside England etc; please email to iangrant@gn.apc.org. Thanks.
Arsenal are on the verge of signing a Martian.
The player is believed to have skills that are out of this world. One soccer commentator, who has seen the player on pictures beamed back to earth, says that flat back fours, five in midfield or even three at the back formations with a sweeper will have absolutely no chance of containing the unusual looking inter-planetarian.
Another from a rival paper says it (he?) creates space where none exists -"he seems to have an extra dimension to his game". It is believed Arsenal may play him in the "black hole" (some say midfield void) between the forwards and defence.
His dossier reveals he is very good in the air and Arsenal may even be tempted to play him at the top of their Christmas tree formation on the basis that his unusual appearance may unsettle and certainly distract defenders - so that Dennis Bergkamp, Ian Wright or David Platt or Paul Merson for that matter can go in on the blind side.
Bruce Rioch was last night, preparing to fly both with and to Houston along with a mystery third person believed to be used as a bargaining counter in the hope of a player exchange. ArseWEB understands that the usual transfer negotiating team aren't going on this occasion, leading to press speculation that Rioch will be in charge of transfers - at least out of the planet - in future. Rioch is understood to be inquiring whether the Martian speaks English. ArseWEB understands that Eddie McGoldrick is out of the country on a short business trip.
Rioch told waiting reporters that the team would be one happy inter-galactic family and that he hoped a female Gooner somehwere would one day make the player a nice girlfriuend - or even wife.
There is talk of a friendly between the player's club and Arsenal being arranged as part of the deal. However this has raised security fears and Arsenal may have to build a new 250,000 capacity stadium (see below) before this can be officially sanctioned. An Arsenal official said that if the game goes ahead Arsenal will play the long ball game which could prove to be a culture shock to a recently arrived Martian side.
But wary of stimulating any warlike instincts, especially with the sight of those "expressionless colossi", Tony Adams and Steve Bould raising their arms automatically as if in a pre-meditated karate position, a special pink replica model of the earth is being made and will be presented as a "peace offering" before kick off.
The Foreign Office said last night that they were rummaging through satelite photographs in the hope of finding whether he had played 20 internationals on Mars before commenting on whether he would be granted a work permit. The Ministry of Agriculture Fisheries and =46ood was on standby drawing up plans to allow special food to be dropped through the stratosphere and imported through customs.
The European Parliament has scheduled an emergency debate about aliens taking jobs which should go to European workers. A European Commission spokesperson, said that 95/C 230785642976 /10 -S and COM (95) 267547 may have to be amended and that he was particularly put out after penning in all the Bosman amendments, recently.
The Treasury said that millions of tourists flocking into the country it is just the boost the economy wanted. There was speculation in the City last night that the Conservatives would be able to afford more tax cuts. A leading bookmaker has slashed their election chances to 50/1 against.
Share prices - particularly public quoted football clubs rose dramatically. MIllwall's rose above 25p for the first time in recent history. Arsenal "525" share deals were reported to be booming. David Dein was said to be rushing around the City trying to locate a Martian finance expert, or at least someone who could convert Martian money into sterling. He was said to be interested as to whether freedom of contract existed on Mars.
The Labour Party appeared to be split last night with the modernist factions urging the party to take up the cause of Martian players arguing it would be good for long term economic growth. However more left wing members were saying - privately at least- that it was the thin end of the wedge - and that it further eroded the working man's game and football was disappearing from its working class roots. One told ArseWEB the "working alien's game" just didn't seem the same.
The Tories are believed to be behind the move 100% on the basis of economic growth.
Arsenal have drawn up emergency plans to expand their stadium to 250,000 capacity. They include designs for a Space Museum inside the North Bank where an extremely powerful telescope will be installed to stop the player becoming homesick, along with a special science fiction cinema club under the Clock End. A spokesman said it would in no way detract from the Art Deco look - it would just be a bigger version - that's all.
A spokesman for Islington Council Planning Department said that if it can turn Highbury into a tourist attraction - and solve the borough's unemployment problem - the plans have every chance of going through.
It was believed last night that a TV channel was drawing up names for a subsidiary - said to be either Independent Sports Space Productions, Planet Sports or Extra Terrestrial Sports (in the hope that new players will be found on undiscovered planets). A bid for exclusive coverage rights is expected soon. However, a source close to the company says they are worried about the player's brilliant blue skin mucking up the TV pictures and that body make-up would have to be any part of the deal. He revealed exclusively that video of the player had already broken the station's "move analysis" machine.
A Premier League spokesman said i= t will now be the best league in the whole universe and said that a sponsorship deal was being sought with NASA along with a well known brand of chocolate.
Representatives from Europe's leading clubs and an undisclosed North London club believed not to be Barnet FC , were locked in talks which could lead to the eventual formation of an Inter Galactic league.
=46ootball bodies around the world were mooting name changes with the word Universe, or Galactic slipped in leading to unusual sounding acronyms such as GULP and LUFA.
Eventually a reporter from ArseWEB using a mobile phone managed to contact a spokesthing from the Martian side who said: "/=D8=91=BD=B1=B1'=BF=C7=BB=B0 =BF=BF=BF=BF=BF=BF=BF=BF=BF=BF=BF=13=10/."
Being a free Web site based on voluntary labour, unfortunately ArseWEB could not afford to pay a translator immediately. However a Martian language specialist from the new University of Bognor offered his services voluntarily and said it says:"there is absolutely no truth in these rumours - there is no life on Mars - what-so-ever."
* From a tabloid headline - Arsenal may be in the hunt for Man from Mars (Marc Overmars)
However personal terms have not been agreed - yet. The Sun reports the fee is £1.5m, while the Star says the package is worth £2m. Arsenal were ready to get him after the first AC Milan clash, but because of the shock victory it has been put on ice. Bordeaux are also fighting relegation. Arsenal are reportedly confident a deal will go through.
(Strange - this one, as it doesn't get coverage in the broadsheets. If a fee is agreed then it is usually covered. Also if Bordeaux win the EUFA Cup, and perchance Arsenal don't qualify, then some of the French club's profits could well go on favourable terms to keep Lizarazu in the South of =46rance. Two Spanish clubs are reportedly interested in him.)
However, it has been reported that his son hasn't settled, and his wife is less settled than she could be. Interesting that the Express thinks he will aautomatically come to Highbury for ҋ7m if he rejects Inter Milan.
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There's plenty of press speculation about the future with a lot of it centring around the Gascoigne-Ince axis, meaning the best Platt can hop for is a substitutes role.
One editorial in the Mirror has a go at his passing and tackling. It also says Tony Adams is suspect with international defenders running at him. David Seaman is quoted as saying his new international kit is "rubbish".
All papers: David Platt has not bee= n selected for the England first eleven, leading to speculation - in the tabloids - it will be the end of his England career.
However, the Guardian takes the line it is temporary, as he has been left out to allow Venables to assess how Paul Ince performs on his return.
Platt himself, says he has until the end of the season to prove he is worth a place in the final Euro'96 22. Interesting comments include his game is based on stamina, and with the knee problems, the central plank of his game has fallen in this season.
(Hard to see a fit David Platt - England's leading goal scorer being left out of the final 22)
Sun: Pat Sheehan says Arsenal have put £3.5m on the table for Alan Stubbs, in a bid to land him before the Thursday deadline.
The piece say Bolton are in a difficult position, because fans could turn on the management if they let Stubbs go, when they have remote chance of staying up. He is currently being played in midfield.
Sun: Scott Marshall, called up to the Scotland U-21 squad has said he will re-consider his future in the Summer - knocking on the head stories of a possible move to Sheffield United or Aberdeen, for the time being.
He says he "loves Arsenal" but will only sign a new contract if he has a guarantee of a first team place. (If the above - bid for Stubbs - story is true, then the odds are he will go in the Summer, perhaps).
Most press: Paul Ince tells media that his future at Inter Milan is in the balance due to the potential trouble over being sent off and a possible ban and the fact although he has settled, his wife and son could be more settled.
Arsenal are firm favourites to get him if he goes.
Bit of a discrepancy over the price if he goes. Sun reckons £7m and the Mirror it is £5m.
Alleged Arsenal target, Brentford left back Martin Grainger has signed for Birmingham for £400,000.
Another Arsenal target Millwall's Ben Thatcher is being chased by Crystal Palace.
DXP and Sun: Bruce Rioch is preparing a £800,000 bid for Gareth Whalley the 22 year old Crewe midfielder.
The feeling is that Crewe will not let him go.
An Arsenal bid for Mark Rivers, striker from the same club was turned down last week.
Sun: Boom, Boom (Martin Keown) who has two years to go on his current contract, wants an extension - so he can stay at Highbury for the rest of his career.
He says "I'm Arsenal through and through." He refers to the fact when he is not playing he is just like a fan.
Mirror: Arsenal fan MP Kate Hoey is bringing up he unecessary violence in the Nike ad featuring Ian Wright . It is also attracting the attention of FIFA and EUFA, according to the paper= .
Mail: A week is along time in football.
There's a cloud over Paul Ince's Inter Milan future, following his sending off on Sunday for what he saw as innocuous offences. He may face an extended ban from the Italian football authorities.
Of course Arsenal is the first club to come out of the hat when Ince to leave stories arise - and it is no exception here.
Daily Telegraph: Bordeaux's exploits in the Eufa Cup have earned them £7m and the paper reckons it will help them hang on to Zidane and Lizarazu - with higher salaries to match interested clubs (provided they stay up of coursFor those recentlt accessing News Round-up these names have been linked with Arsenal for around two months.
They have had a turbulent season - losing to a thrid division side in the Cup, and a sacked manager, only six weeks ago and a relegation struggle on their hands.